Live Your Life Like An Airline Captain

Editor’s note: Last year I posted a blog about this time,  on how I was going to do better about posting blogs “this year”. That ended up being the only post of the entire year. Wow. This year I decided to get a little help. I’ve asked Captain Mitch Turpine to do a guest blog. I fly with him often. I am not going to lie, he is a bit of a blowhard and thinks a lot of himself. He annoys the Hell out of me but I think deep down inside he has a good heart (I am  giving him the benefit of the doubt). To be honest I really want to see him fail at something. In his mind he has never done anything wrong. Not a big self-reflector. He read through some of my old blogs and just said, “Too long. Boring. And let me show you how its’ done.” I hope return soon if he doesn’t takeover. Which is a possibility.

Not Mitch, but just goes to show Captains have been cool for a long time.

Hey loyal readers of Marc, all one of you, Mitch here. If you’re like me, you may have read one or half of one of Marc’s blogs and thought, “What the Hell is this s#!%? Do any of these have a point?” In the age of the smartphone, when there is always something more entertaining than reading at your fingertips; why would you waste your time wading through some non-linear garbage with no actionable information. Besides some mildly amusing picture captions and movie references, I found nothing of any use here.

I thought I’d help the poor kid out and do his job for him (pretty much just like when I fly with that guy. I am not lying. It’s like single pilot operations when he’s my copilot. I’ve gotten used to it, “No that’s okay Marc. I’ll fly the airplane and talk on the radios and do everything you are getting paid to do. Sit there and scribble funny thoughts in your notebook.”)

Buckle up you short-attention span, Adderall-addicted youth of today, I am going to give you some information on how to live a better life. Don’t worry, Call of Duty and internet porn will be there after you finish sounding out all the big words. What authority do I have to give advice on anything? I’m an airline captain. Sure they are small CRJ’s but when I walk through the airport in my uniform, other men want to be me, woman want to be with me and little children stare in awe. In short, I’m killing it in life so you should listen to what I have to say.

Mitch’s Top Five Ways to Live Like An Airline Captain:

• Give your opinion about everything, whether you know a lot on the subject or not: Listen. There are a lot of unhappy people out there that have points of view on things, but just clam up and don’t express themselves. Not me. That stuff eats away at your insides and could give you a heart attack. If you hear people talking about a subject, any subject,  interrupt their conversation and throw out some snippet of information that you heard on FOX news. If they look at you confused and say, “That’s not what we were talking about.” Say it again but louder. If that doesn’t work, point at the four bars on your shoulder and say, “Gotta go. I have an airplane to command.”

Hey Bill O’Reilly makes a living doing #1

•  If you know a lot about one thing; you know all you need to know about everything else: Kind of a piggy back on the first bullet but if you are an expert in anything, just take that attitude and apply it to everything else. I have flown since I was 14. I know a lot about airplanes. I know a lot about aviation. People assume that I am at least of moderate intelligence, so they will ask me things  that are out of my field of expertise. Do I admit that? Of course not. I simply give them an answer that sounds plausible (and here is the key) with confidence. By the time they figure out that most modern cars don’t even have a carburetor, you will be half-way across the country at 35,000 feet in the air.

• 

  Hey guys I think it’s the injector valve. Well gotta go.

  Find a Conspiracy and Latch On: Look. How do you establish yourself as an alpha-male? By going with the herd and believing what everyone else believes? Of course not. Find some thought or idea off the beaten path, research it to death while you are alone in your hotel room, and then spout off about it any time you get the opportunity. This is also a good tag for #1. If they are really talking about something that you know nothing about; change the subject to something you do know about: That Obama is secretly going to steal all of your guns and give them to our lizard overlords living underneath D.I.A.

You… will ….not win… Obama!

Fill Dead Space With By Talking About Your Kids or Pets: Look. Most people have this thing where they want to establish some sort of rapport with their fellow humans. Of course it is mostly a waste of time, because a lot of times those other humans think wrongly about things and are generally stupid. Still if you are going to be a leader of men and get them to do what you say, it makes things go easier if they think you have human qualities too. So when things are quiet, start talking ad nauseum about your kids. Pull out the pictures. Go into detail. If you are like me your kids are dogs. Make sure you show the Christmas sweater pictures.

Listen. You didn’t have children. I understand. That’s your choice. But I am not your child. Please. Just let me be a dog.

• If People Can’t Read Your Mind, F’em: In this modern day, there is a lot of corporate jargon about “being a good communicator” and “expressing your thoughts in a clear way” to prevent hurt feelings or miscommunication. It’s all garbage. If you are the man wearing the stripes, (which if you are me, you are) it’s everyone else’s responsibility to figure out what you mean. When you come to the realization that your way of thinking is the best way of thinking, it makes sense that everyone else should adopt that way of thinking. Why wouldn’t they want to? And if they have adopted the one true way of thinking then they should know what you mean without you having to say anything. When they don’t seem to be on the same page, talk condescendingly and abruptly to them because your time is valuable and they are wasting it. If their feelings get hurt, f@&% ‘em. They need to get with the program.

All right I hope that helps. Employ these tips and I think, scratch that, I know your life will improve drastically. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I think this was pretty much an overwhelming success. I may or may not write another one of these for Marc. I don’t know. I am a little busy being a winner. Now why don’t you go back to your Candy Crush?

Now. Make it so!