Don’t Mess With A Mustachioed Man Part 1…

Sam Elliot could ride five horses at once with that mustache…

I have written before about how I think a mustache gives a man an extra element of confidence. In the old west, the baddest of the bad asses were the ones with the biggest mustaches. They were the steely-eyed  killer who could shoot a man down and then ride two horses at once. Well, I have recently re-grown a mustache for the purpose of filming a comedy sketch I wrote, but it has had some unexpected side effects. I am not normally a confrontational man. I stay out of other people’s business. But sometimes, at those moments in social situations when people need a hero, I mean when they really need somebody to step in and be a man, they turn to the guy with the mustache (I am not talking about the guy with the weird, well-manicured, pencil thin number; they turn away from that guy. I am talking about the guy with the full-grown, bushy, raised in the mountains of Montana mustache.) And if you happen to be that man on the outside, you better pull from your courage on the inside to rise to their expectations. Otherwise you will harm the reputation of the brotherhood of the mustache. (Fathers, cops, ice-fisherman, etc..) Recently I was in a situation were everyone looked to me to be that man and I am happy to report, me and the mustache did our duty.

Nick Offerman has the best mustache currently on TV and fully embodies the true spirit of the Brotherhood of the Mustache.

This is basically what Virgin America’s first class looks like…

I was hitching a ride on a Virgin American Flight. So I was in the back, but I was wearing my full-pilot uniform. If you haven’t ridden on Virgin yet, I highly recommend it. It’s like riding in a hip European night club with free Direct TV. Anyway the flight attendants on this flight were treating me very nicely, offering me free movies and food, and I was feeling like a king. I was sitting all they  way in the rear of the airplane next to a nice family with a beautiful little girl of about one (one thing you have to be careful with when you have a mustache, is expressing too much interest in children.)

About three-quarters of the way though the flight (it was a four-hour flight so there was about an hour left), this guy in his early fifties, comes to the back of the plane, where the flight attendants are hanging out and starts giving them lip (when you have a mustache you can use terms like, “Giving ’em lip.”) Actually he was being mostly polite, just being loud and a little stubborn. He was upset that he had ordered a drink on his screen but it had not been brought to him and the flight attendants were doing their best to explain in a polite way, that he had already had NINE drinks and should maybe take a rest for a while. When I heard nine, I had to pull one earbud out, because as amazing as it is to watch free TV on an airplane (the future is now!) I knew that this was going to get interesting.

In the near future this is what the flight attendants on Virgin will look like…The Future!

SIDE NOTE and WARNING: When flight attendants start using language like, “You know, maybe you should drink some water or try a soft drink this round.” Whether you want a water or not, just say, “Yeah. You’re right.” Because they are about one minute away from breaking out the THREAT MATRIX from their training. In this post-9/11 world that means you could be a potential threat and you might have to worry about the Feds meeting you on the ground. Not good. So if you really want another drink, wait until after the flight when they are cheaper and your potential of ending up on Yahoo News is lower.

There are perks to having a mustache for sure, but there is also great responsibility…

So after about five minutes of back and forth. The guy finally got the idea that they were not going to serve him and he should probably sit down. He even tried to calm things over, “Hey I have no beef with you guys. I know you have a hard job.  I just wanted you to tell me why. But it’s all good.” He sat down and the episode seemed like it was over. But that’s when your’s truly accidentally made things way worse.

Shortly after the Drunk Guy sat down I went to the back to use the lav, but as I waited for one to open up, I made small talk with the flight attendants about the drunk guy.

ME: You guys handled that well.

FA 1: Oh yeah, he had nine drinks already and he was clearly showing it.

FA 2: Yeah, he was lifting up his shirt and showing me his appendix scar.

ME: Wow, that is pretty bad, no one wants to see that…

FA 2: Right? No one wants to see that!

ME: Well, I just wanted to give you props. My girlfriend is a flight attendant and I know people can get a little out of hand. (People like getting props from guys with mustaches, because guys with mustaches don’t just blow smoke up people’s butts. You have to earn their respect.)

So that was the gist of the conversation. I went to the lav and then back to my seat. In my brain the Drunk Guy was way up in the middle of the plane, and there was no way he could have heard our conversation. In reality he was just a couple of rows ahead of me and consequently, heard the entire conversation with the flight attendants and he was majorly pissed! He got out of his seat and went to the back and this time there was no politeness or deference in his voice.

I would be remiss to have anything about mustaches and not include arguably the greatest mustache on television ever.

“Why did you lie to me?”

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2! And please share your drunken people on plane stories below!