Flight: A Pilot’s Review

Those aren’t raindrops. Those are Denzel’s tears.

Spoiler alert: This is a review of the movie “Flight” , so I probably reveal some major details of the movie that might ruin it for you. The biggest one, “Flight” is not a very good movie.

Okay, so I admit this is not really timely. “Flight” came out two weeks ago and in modern movie times that might as well have been last year. But maybe you are revved up to go see “Twilight” this weekend and afterwards you have a sudden awakening, “I am an adult. What am I doing with my life? I am going to sneak into a serious adult drama. I heard Flight was good.” Just maybe I can save you two and a half hours of your life. You can use that time to go home and ceremoniously burn all of your “Twilight” books and exclaim, “Now that I have learned to read, I am going to actually read real books!” Then for good measure, grab all of your “Shades of Grey” books and throw them into the fire as well.  What are you doing? I said throw your “Shades of Grey” books in the fire as well. No, don’t open it again and reread your favorite passage one last time, hey I’m right here, what are you doing with your….You know what? There is no saving you. Go watch “Flight” you deserve each other.

Everybody else don’t go watch “Flight.” As  I was saying, this isn’t really a timely review. If I were really passionate about it I should have done this review two weeks ago. My bad to those of you who already plunked down some cash. maybe you liked the movie. I have been known to have a staunchly different opinion about movies from the majority on numerous occasions. I once stood up on a bus of people who were discussing how much they loved “Jerry McGuire” just to vent my frustration with what a terrible movie I thought it was. This might be me standing up on a bus right now. “Marc, why do you even feel the need to do a two-week old review? It’s not relevent. This isn’t a blog about movies. And I quit reading your blog at the title.” Well thanks for the support inner critic. This is a blog about airports, pilots and things related, which “Flight” is all about those things. How often does that happen, even if I did procrastinate two weeks, I can’t let that opportunity pass by. “Are you still writing? Why? I am going into the other room to fix a sandwich.”

So I just watched the movie “Flight.” (Two weeks ago.) Full disclosure, I did not actually pay to see the movie. I snuck into the movie after watching “Argo.” I guiltily admit that I am part of the movie industry wohs. If you are a cyber policeman you can arrest me and throw e in jail with the pirated music and movie thieves. In my defense though, after watching “Flight” I did feel like it stole more from me. Time. Life. Brain cells. I was probably over-critical of this movie because I am a pilot. I am not going to pretend that I am a great pilot or a very knowledgeable pilot or even the kind of pilot you want flying your airplane, but I have been doing it for over ten years. So at the very least I feel like I have earned the right to pretend to talk from a point of authority on pointing out major inconsistencies of a Hollywood movie about pilots. (I know inconsistency from reality has never really been an issue with people’s enjoyment of movies. There are plenty of law movies and medical movies that people love, but doctors and lawyers think are ridiculous. I am just saying it’s my turn to scoff and say, “That’s ridiculous.” Don’t take that away from me.)

First of all, Denzel’s character, Whip Whitaker, does a lot of drugs and drinks all the time. All the time. From the preview it looks like Whip made an indiscretion the night before and maybe had too much to drink.  This would be a decent premise. (He landed the plane. The fact that he was drinking the night before is a moot point, but not to the FAA.) What actually happens in the movie thouh, is the morning of the flight, Whip wakes up, smokes a joint, drinks a beer and does some lines of coke for good measure. He doesn’t make it seem like this is a one time “crazy” night, he makes it seem like this is pretty much the norm for Whip. To make things even more weird, when he gets on the plane, he continues to drink.

What? Now I have known a lot of pilots. Half of them are the straightest arrows you will ever meet. The next twenty-five percent are somewhere on the normal adult “partying” scale. The last twenty-five percent are some of the biggest drinkers you will ever meet. Even the hardest drinkers and partiers have a line though. Are there pilots out there that have flown hung-over with alcohol in their systems? Oh yeah. (In recent memory there have been some well-publicized cases of pilots showing up to work drunk.) Obviously, it happens, but it is something that most pilots I know live in constant fear of.  In this modern world, with constant media scrutiny and random drug testing, no pilot  would realistically be able to keep his job with a drug and alcohol habit like Whip.

Huhha! I love cocaine, biatches!

The drug use is way over the top. I have heard stories of pilots having a wild time in Amsterdam or Mexico or Thailand on vacation or something. Those guys are by far the exception.  As a pilot, you are not really well-suited to do anything else. You have a very specific skill set that doesn’t transfer directly to other jobs. If you get fired for drug use, it’s game-over for being a pilot. You don’t get to fly anymore. Then you don’t get to eat anymore. Then you have to go do something hard like work at a desk or do construction. Most pilots would rather abstain than to actually have to work.

Okay whatever. Sorry to go off on a tangent. I could be totally wrong about all of that. There may be whole airlines who really encourage drinking and flying and doing coke to keep you alert. I am a naive man by nature. What about the flying part of the movie. Every one who has seen the previews of “Flight” has seen the airplane flying upside down close to the Earth. I am not an expert at aerodynamics. In fact, in my aerodynamics engineering class in college, I got a low B. Still, there is a “gut” feeling that the shape of an airliner wing, especially one with all kinds of drag hanging off of it, would not only not arrest a dive when flown upside down but actually might make it worse; diving the plane to the ground faster. (Which is what may have happened when tried in real life on Alaska Flight 261. They tried to fly it upside down as a last-ditch effort. Supposedly “Flight” is loosely based  on this incident that killed everyone on board.)

All right so I am a big curmudgeon who could go on and on about how unrealistic E.T. was. I will give you that. My biggest complaint with “Flight”  was not that it was unrealistic. The first twenty unrealistic minutes were at least exciting and things were happening. They were the only watchable parts of the movie. The next overlong two hours were a glorified Lifetime movie of Whip’s struggles with addiction. There is a lwhole lot of Denzel Washington fighting off tears and swallowing hard. I will give him credit, as an actor, he does that better than anyone else. I mean if I wanted to watch two hours of a man doing exactly that, Denzel would entrance me like no one else could. Maybe that is why I felt so negative towards the movie when I left. I thought I was getting a Denzel thriller movie, instead I was getting a Denzel emotional movie. My expectations were just way off.

The only levity in the movie is when John Goodman’s coke dealer character makes strangely forced appearances into tragic scenes to spread the gospel of using cocaine. In the last fifteen minutes, at the tragic climax of the movie, when you think, “Oh wow, Whip really f’d up. It’s all over. He’s ruined. This is so sad.” John Goodman shows up with upbeat music and one-liners to whip Whip back together with some specially administered cocaine and saves the day! What? Really? It was just one of those moments that felt like some producer in Hollywood was reading over the script and said, “Wow. This is really a downer. I wish there was some way to punch things up a little. You know, add some humor and some levity. Where is that John Goodman character? He was kind of fun. Maybe he could bring some cocaine in for Whip. Cocaine always solves my problems. I’m God you hear me?! I’m blowing my own mind! I’m an f’ing producer of a movie! Somebody get me some more cocaine!”

So where was I going with any of this? “You’re still writing this? I’ve eaten a sandwich and made a  a hundred more for starving children in the time you have rambled on about a movie that has been out for two-weeks.” Thanks inner critic. I’m glad you’re back. I will end this movie review by simply saying that “Flight” is an overly long, convoluted,  pile of garbage. Very similar to this blog post. “Meta Marc. Very Meta.”

Have you seen “Flight?” Did you like it? Am I standing up on a bus on this one?