Every time I turn on the news or check social media lately, there is a story about air travel discord. When I say discord, I mean fights. People are flying, but they aren’t happy about it. There are all kinds of videos being posted of people resorting to fisticuffs in the airport, in the airplane, in their bedrooms while playing airplane (Hey, if you don’t like the way I float you on my feet, kid, leave me alone, you asked for this, not me.)
I even heard that people were all out rioting in Puerto Rico because their flight was cancelled, and they were trapped in the airport with no airport employees. They set things on fire (I thought there were no lighters or matches allowed through security), broke windows, threw trash, etc. Pretty scary sh#@ and a clear indicator that half of our society is slipping back into tribal barbarism. It makes me want to yell at everyone, “Shame on you, primitive societies don’t get air travel! If you want to go back to hunting your own food and living in caves, be my guest, but you are walking to Cancun.”
Let’s be honest, although no airline has been immune from the social unrest, a good majority of these incidents have happened on Spirit Airlines. I don’t want to throw them under the bus, because I know some fellow pilots who work there, and they are good people. I have even ridden on Spirit and they treated me quite well.
Truthfully though, when I flew on Spirit, there was a palatable tension on board. Maybe it was created by the woman yelling at the gate about her seat assignment, maybe it the disproportionate amount of people using garbage bags as suitcases (not unlike flying Spirit in the first place, you only use a garbage bag when you are out of options). I would say, like most things, you can’t generalize, I am sure 90 percent of the people flying Spirit were good people just looking for a cheap fare. But 100 percent of the people on board were aware that there was a 50 percent chance that something might go down on the flight that could go viral on YouTube.
Spirit has cancelled thousands of flights in the last couple weeks. I am sure that can’t be good on their financials. There has been a confluence of numerous factors for this: staffing, weather, fuel, etc. I am sure there were some things out of their control. Still, although it constantly changes, they are the current airline media whipping boy. They have had a ton of negative press and the current public sentiment is, “I would never fly Spirit.” (Although, we’ll see if that sticks the next time they go on Hotwire looking for cheap fares).
So I have an idea: they should rebrand and change their business model. It’s time for Spirit to embrace the image of, “The airline with the most onboard fights.” Also, it’s time for a name change: “Fight Club Airlines,” “Spit Blood Airlines,” work, so would my personal favorite, “Octagon Air.” There’s all kinds of great potential slogans with that name. “The onboard entertainment is you!” “One hundred fifty people enter, one man leaves.” “Don’t choose window or aisle, choose ringside!” I am sure you could come up with some of your own.
People fly Spirit because it’s cheap, well in the new business model? It’s free! No one buys a ticket. You do have to sign a waiver though. You get rid of the flight attendants, and you install HD cameras all over the inside of the cabin. You sell Pay Per View time slots for every flight. Some would cost more to watch than others (most of the Florida flights cost top dollar). Afterwards you can monetize the amazing fight videos on YouTube and other social media outlets.
Now, you need to increase the percentages for fights from fifty percent to a hundred. But how do you encourage fights? Well one way, is that no one needs a ticket, but everyone gets a seat assignment. The same seat assignment. Or at least a lot of duplicates. So, you know sometimes when you are on a flight and someone politely says, “I think you might be in my seat,” and 95 percent of the time one of the two people just read their ticket wrong? Not on Octagon Air. Both people have intentionally been given the same seat. If one of them tries to be polite, “I think there might be some mistake, you are in my seat.” There won’t be anyone their to help resolve the issue, so they have to figure it out the hard way. If you happen to be flying Octagon Air and this happens, that would be a good time to throw some sand in their eyes, and say, “Yeah, there has been a mistake: you didn’t realize to sit here you are going to have pry my body out, cold and dead!”
How else would they encourage fighting? Free drinks! Not all drinks, of course. There is no bottled water, soda pop, juice or anything like that. There is a just an open cart that rolls up and down the aisle with weight of gravity and the force of aerodynamics. It’s only filled with energy drinks and whiskey (on Mexico and Vegas flights, tequila too). Plus, there is an open bar in the gate area. To get around over-serving laws, everyone pours for themselves. Oh yeah, and overhead bin space? What space? Each bin only holds one backpack. If you want it, you are going to have to fight for it son!
If all of that isn’t enough to generate content worthy fight flights, all of the lavatories except for one will be locked. Oh, for the personal entertainment? Everyone is given a Bluetooth speaker to play whatever content they have on their phone for everyone. There is only one volume setting: 10. I think that about covers it. I am sure as the business model gets perfected and you get the data crunchers in their to really analyze it, they will find even more ways to optimize the fight potentiality of each flight.
Now if you are an optimist, and believe in the good of all mankind, and that kind of thing, and you are convinced that people will not devolve into apes, even with all of these catalysts, I have one more ace up my sleeve. The people on board have been told they are going to two different destinations. Each flight, the pilots go into a holding pattern and announce, “Okay barbarians, this flight is either going to Newark or San Antonio. You have twenty minutes to figure it out.” That will be about the time people realize their seat can be used for a flotation device or battering ram.
I know that most of you are probably reading this thinking, “You’re crazy. I would never fly that airline.” You are not the customer focus for Octagon Air. Go ahead and fly with someone else. There are a small percentage of you though, who might be reading this (or more likely, someone is reading this to you) who heard, “free,” and you quit listening to the other stuff (you may have perked up again when you heard free energy drinks and whiskey). You are exactly who Octagon Air is looking for (If you have ever bought a ticket on Spirit, you are half-way there psychologically). I even have a jingle to help your decision-making matrix on your first flight: “The right way is the fight way.” For everyone else who doesn’t want to fly “The Octagon,” take a deep breath, be civil to each other and the airline employees, and before each flight, take a chill pill, all right?
