If you are going to drunk fight in a hotel, use indoor voices.
I know a lot of people only stay in a hotel only once or twice a year. When they do stay at a hotel, it’s a special occasion like a wedding or a vacation or a girl’s night out. But nothing is worse for someone who spends half their month sleeping in hotels (me), then the drunken revelry of people who are excited to be staying in a hotel. Although there is an asterisk to my annoyance.
Nothing causes me more inner conflict of joy and anger then the late night, through-the-thin-walls-of-a-shitty-hotel-room, drunk fight. Part of me loves the voyeuristic side of hearing someone else’s relationship struggles at rock concert volume. It’s like being at a Maury Povich show with only a ¼” piece of drywall as separation from the front row.
Both Maury Povich and Bill O’Reilly hosted ‘A Current Affair.’ Who would have guessed it was Maury that would go on to be a respected journalist on the forefront of DNA testing?
The other part of me, and I am going to have to be honest, the bigger part, gets really angry because I didn’t plan to be at the Maury Povich show (ever) and would rather be sleeping (since my alarm is going off in 4 hours.) Last week, I had the not-so-rare double ticket “Maury Povich/Girl’s Gone Wild” hotel experience of “Drunk Fight/Young Drunk Girls Being Loud Just Cause” extravaganza.
From what I could tell through the walls, the culprits were a group of under-25 females and one of their boyfriends. This is the letter I would write to them if I felt they were capable of reading something besides the Facebook App on their iPhones:
Dear Fellow Hotel Dignitaries,
This morning at just after midnight, I quite enjoyed the delightful and very vocal young lady in your party who decided to include the entire fourth floor in her vodka-infused tirade against her boyfriend. I particularly enjoyed her blood-curdling scream that included the Shakespearean soliloquy of, “I don’t give a f#%k! You’re a f#%&ing @sshole! I know you’re f#$king her. Don’t lie to me!” Though it was difficult to hear his low and muffled retort, I can only imagine it was equally poetic for such a dreadful cad.
THIS VIDEO IS A CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF THE DOWNSIDE OF SLEEPING IN HOTELS FOR HALF YOUR MONTH, THE ROOM THAT THEY ARE IN FRONT IS LIKELY MY ROOM!
http://youtu.be/boaGcAv01RE
“Shut up everybody, we paid for a room tonight so we like, own this hotel. All of it. Including the hallways”
I have to admit, as I laid in bed, struggling with insomnia, contemplating the long 13 hour day ahead of me and my 5:30 AM alarm, my biggest concern was, “Is that all? With drunken accusations of infidelity, certainly there is more human drama to be explored! Possibly drunken assault or even murder? Oh joy! Peace, quiet and sleep are overrated! These fine people understand what it is truly like to drink from the cup of life.”
I am happy to report that the sequel of drunken screams and crying and yelling a half-hour later did not disappoint in the least. The second tirade of, “I don’t give a sh#t who hears, I hate you!” Was like a battle cry to all the sleeping residents on floor four, “Wake all you dreamers! Real life is happening now!” Although the dialogue was very similar and the plot basically the same, I found the second volley better than the first. Much like a Hollywood sequel to a blockbuster; where they add more of the good stuff: explosions, violence and volume. What I noticed most about part-two was the extraordinary increase in volume. Oh and I also loved the addition of loud, comforting girlfriends to the row. I’d like to think of them as a brand new, three-headed character that wasn’t in the original. I didn’t think it could be possible but the second drunk
fight was better than the first. Bravo.
“Why are you sleeping? We are at a Hyatt! Everyone dance to the lute!”
Some of the other residents probably were not as appreciative of your exuberant behavior as I was. Oh, the withered souls. Have they forgotten so soon what it was like to be at an age when you didn’t have to be burdened with the considerations of other people? When simply by the nature of how your ass looks in a skirt the world finds everything you do interesting? Could they not relate to their first time of being able to afford a hotel without their parents and the freedom that it entails?(“No one can tell us not to yell in the hallways, they are like, not our parents.”)
“You can’t tell us what to do! You aren’t our parents!”
Your loud behavior made my heart flutter with the remembrance of joy of my first time in a hotel as an adult, “Wow they have blankets AND duvets on the beds, what am I? A King?” Also the simple wonder of having a toilet the size of a swimming pool is still enough to make me gaze in wonder.
So you can imagine the happiness and good-will surging through my body as you made a final coda at 1:30 AM, fresh from “hot-tubbing” it out. I shared in your happiness and laughter, which I can only imagine was based on your contraction of many new and interesting diseases. The good-will continued to grow and surge through my body with each new door-slam and vocalization of what you were “going to do now” and who might be “hording the last remnants of vodka” in their room.
“Yay everybody we’re making a stew!”
Like a growing snowball, the good-will continued to build all night. Long after you had ceased to roam the halls with your merry-making, I couldn’t actually go to sleep. I could only assume you had already succumbed to slumber and I started to worry. “What has happened to my Dionysian revelers? Surely they know not what they do! They have inadvertently been seduced by slumber. I will return the favor they have so generously bestowed on me!”
Which is why this morning at 5:57 AM you heard a loud and violent pounding on your door. Those my friends, were the frenetic thumpings of a man with a renewed sense of joy in life that you had re-birthed in me. No thanks are needed. Your grumblings and moans from behind the door, letting me know that you had indeed re-awakened to enjoy the world, was all the thanks I needed.
It’s no time to sleep now my cheery friends! It’s 5:30 AM, time to get up and join the world of the living!
I apologize for not being able to meet you in person when you answered the door, but I was late for that 13 hour day as fore mentioned and had to run. I feel certain though we will meet again, at least in spirit. Until that time it is with my warmest heart and greatest intentions that I invite you to, in your cheery vernacular, go f#$k yourself.
Sincerely,
Marc Lowe
Have any stories of drunken hotel revelers? Were you on of the drunken hotel revelers? Please share below!
