Begging and Flying

Go to Hawaii for the beaches and beauty, stay for the special Spam.

One of the biggest perks of working for an airline is the travel benefits. People ask me all the time, “So, you get to fly for like free right?” Yes, I do. But there’s a but. The but being, “But it’s standby.” That is actually a huge but. Especially in this modern era of oversold flights and reduction of capacity, flying standby can be a huge challenge to your sanity.

Full disclosure, I did just get back from Hawaii (The Big Island, if you must now, and yes it is awesome; go there) with my girlfriend and it cost nothing except patience to fly there. So I really shouldn’t complain about non-revving (non-revenue or standby flying). I really am not complaining. I am just educating those who have ever thought, “I hate sitting here at my desk, staring at the same walls, for days on end. I want to GO places. I want to SEE the world. I want dance, drunk on wine with a French lover in Paris in the spring time! I want to work for the airlines.” It’s not all dancing and baguettes my friend. There are some issues.

You can’t tell from the painting, but the woman doesn’t shave her armpits and the guy hasnt showered, ever.

First off, there is no “pre-planning life” when you are non-revving. Which is one of the things I love and hate. Because I CAN fly for free, I most certainly AM going to fly for free or not at all. I don’t get paid enough money to buy a confirmed ticket to a wedding or a special event (remember the trip to Hawaii I just mentioned? The flight was free, but lodging and food were not. I am literally eating ramen and tuna until pay-day). So on those occasions when people really want a firm answer, like, “Listen the wedding is tomorrow, are you going to be there or not?” I can just answer, “I think so.”

I like this aspect of stand-by traveling. It fits my personality that I can show up at an airport without a lot of pre-planning, look at the departure board, and decide which flight I am going to try to get on. More full-disclosure, I wish I was that cool; that I was just the guy who willy-nilly is traipsing all over the world. I am more the guy who loves to sleep in his own bed and wouldn’t trade that experience for Paris 6 out of 7 days a week. I am definitely the not-so-good-at-planning-life-in-advance guy though, so showing up at the airport the day I need to be somewhere, is definitely how I work.  But person sitting at your desk, romantacizing about hairy, smelly people that slur all of their words, is that how you work?

Second issue (intertwined with the first, but must be emphasized) THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES. When you non-rev, you are at the mercy of fate and the overselling practices of whatever airline you are trying to get on. There are  times I ‘ve shown up for a flight, that I am so sure that I am going to get on to have even booked a rental car and a hotel, only to see there are thirty people ahead of me on the standby list. I don’t exaggerate that this can turn you into an evil person. You actually start praying to the voodoo gods of unfortunate travel, for other human beings, quite possibly good ones, to miss their connecting flights, get held-up in security, over-sleep, change their minds, or worse. This cannot be good for one’s karma. The process drives you to it though. My girlfriend and I got on our flight to Hawaii  at the last-minute (sweet!) But last time we tried to go to Seattle (not as cool as Hawaii), we waited nine hours before there was a flight with seats.

“Yes, someone is not going to make it to the airport on time!”

Third and last (for now but not really last, that would take ten thousand words) you are treated like scum.  If you haven’t flown in the last ten years, let me fill you in: the gate agents are strained and angry. All the time. They deal with stressed-out, demanding people for eight hours a day, with no one to take it out on, except you, the non-rev passenger. Don’t get me wrong, there are some gate-agents out there that are angels of mercy. These people will smile and be helpful to you, even with a line of angry, delayed passengers, spitting vitriol at them. Most though, you have to approach like a beggar to a monarch, “Excuse me your highness, for I know you are much entrenched with much more important manners than the likes of me, but perchance is there any way you could fin it in your heart, to let a lowly being as myself know whether he may have a chance to ride on your winged steed?” Often the answer is some sort of ‘get out of my face’ wave and a snarl.

Bow before the gate agent!

So if these things don’t deter you, and your spirit must be set free, it’s time for you to quit that soul-sucking job of yours, tie up that knapsack to a stick and become a hobo of the sky You need to come work for the airlines and travel for free!  (I guess you don’t have to quit your job, just find a friend who works for the airlines and ask for a buddy pass). Myself, I dream of the day, longingly, of when I can actually afford to buy a ticket somewhere. (Of course, in this modern world I guess that doesn’t really mean a lot. One of the companies that my company works for, that I cannot reveal, but it rhymes with Shoenited, oversells it’s flight b y 10% on a regular basis. That means even with a paid ticket you are flying standby, so the grass is always greener).

Time to fly stand-by.

Have you ever experienced non-revenue flying? How about just flying standby because you missed your earlier flight? I want to hear about it!