Trust me lady, I can afford this cigarette.
Oh man people do crazy things. So I am excited to report that on Monday, a particularly stormy day in Chicago, I got to witness someone doing something crazy. First I must pontificate a little: There are crazy people that do crazy things all the time. Then there are rational people, when under stressful circumstances, have momentary lapses in judgment. Then there are already disturbed people who under these stressful situations really elevate the craziness.
Air travel, specifically, is one of those stressful situations that really brings out the worst in people and brings out the worst in the worst people. I understand that is not a specifically radical observation. Any sane person who has found themselves yelling across an airport at their significant other because “they are boarding right now!”, understands that no one is really immune. I have done this and I live at the airport. I am there on a semi-daily basis. I know what to expect. I see the long security lines. I see the unreasonable gate agents. I’ve had to run from one part of the airport to the opposite side because they changed my gate and then run again because they changed it back.
I know that in the uncertain and ever-changing environment, of say, O’Hare on a bad weather day, if you let uncertainty and change get to you, you will have a freak out moment. People will see you cry or scream or yell at innocent bystanders. Or worse yet the law will come for you. You don’t want that. I don’t want that for you. To be honest I do want that, not for me, but it does provide so much sick entertainment, to see people at their wits end totally lose it. Every time I hear a gate agent verbally smack down a customer and then have that customer elevate their voice and say something like, “I have been waiting patiently but I want answers!” I rub my hands together in twisted joy, “Oh man we are about to have a ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ moment.” It’s sick, I know, but I can’t help feeling like I have some front row ticket to watch people go through a house of horrors. I am seeing magnified human drama on my own personal stage.
Okay now for my moment of excitement. This freak-out moment happened to be not at O’Hare but because of O’Hare. I was piloting a plane from White Plains, New York. The flight was delayed by two hours already when the passengers got on the airplane so everyone was a little grumpy. No one likes to be delayed. I get that. I wanted to be at home drinking a beer, but in the back of my brain I knew my day was going to be four hours longer than expected.
Well after everyone was boarded and we were already to go, we got a call from air traffic control that Chicago center had given us an extra two hours of flow. Mind you we had already closed the door and people were under the psychological impression that they were on their way, finally. It’s in these perfect storm moments when excitement always happens. Sure enough after being on the airplane for total of ten minutes, a young dude in his early twenties had a flip out moment.
The flight attendant called up to the cockpit and said there was a guy who was really wiggin’. He seemed like he was on some sort of drugs. He was very agitated and nervous. We said, okay give us a moment we are trying to figure out if we want all the people to go back inside so they don’t have to sit on the plane for two hours and then we’ll deal with El Loco. She calls us back less then a minute later, “He’s in the lav smoking.”
Here is why this is so exciting. This never happens! I have flown commercially for five and a half years. The captain I was flying with had been flying for ten years. Neither of us had actually ever had anyone take a lav smoke break. One website I found said that in the history of the law, since 1988, under 800 people had been prosecuted for this offense. Now I guess if you were flying around in the seventies, you are probably wondering why this is even an offense. They used to practically issue people smoking jackets when they got on board. Even if you are from another country, you are probably wondering what the big deal is “We smoke hookahs in first class.”. But here in the good ol’ US of A you can’t smoke on a flight, Joe Camel, even if you really need a cigarette.
So we got to call Johnny Law to the airplane and have the guy pulled off. He of course he denied smoking on the airplane and was dumbfounded when he was pulled off. I was privileged enough to see his face as he was being dragged away. “Smoking? Smoking? I wasn’t smoking on the airplane. Why would you think that?” He said it with such disbelief in his voice, like” Why would I do that, that would be really dumb, That’s an instant $2200 fine.”
The flight attendant responded, “I smelled it and so did everybody else.”
In shock he responded, “You smelled it, you smelled it?” (But how could that be? We are on a small fifty passenger airplane with little airflow or ventilation on the ground, how on Earth could you smell anything?) Yeah right. He just happened to be on a plane full of bloodhounds I guess. Now get off this airplane and enjoy your $2200 fine. I should mention that the perp was wearing a Yankees cap. So to add to the distress of the delayed flight and possibly being on something, he was also dealing with the horrible failures of his baseball team. All in all it was not his week. But that might be my point, if I even have a point, is that sometimes life piles a lot on, and it is better to be the tree that bends with the wind instead of the one the breaks.
Who am I kidding? I don’t have a point. I was just excited to witness something out of the ordinary and be glad that it wasn’t me being hauled off by the police (this time.)
Do you have good stories of people losing it while traveling?
